the Goodbye fuck

do you look back on some relationships and see loose end's? wondering if the decision(?) to split was the right one...? I have found that even the most seriously motivated breaks (like for infidelity or even essential compatibility) leave me wondering if I was being selfish, or if I was being self damaging, unreasonable or just plain stupid.

I used to say, never go back, and I guess I still do - to a point. I mean- I now cherish the relationship I have with Anthony my first love.. and I spent years seething and maybe even passionatly disliking the man until I realised a bit more about who I am and why we were not destined to be long term lovers....

So, recently I was very down about perceptions of self worth and young Stevie spent a long time on the phone just cheering me up. You see we regularly catch up for coffee, and I try to keep a respectful distance from him so I dont confuse him. (he's young and has higher ideals than me - I am a bit more jaded / relaxed and I didnt want to be arsey and ask him for what might confuse him) You see I often thought about whether we could have a goodby fuck.

AND THEN?

So the day after our telephone conversation we met for coffee, it WAS normal except the phone call the day before had me thinking a lot about a shag for the pure fun of it, and I know I put the vibe out and.. well.. he jumped me within 30 minutes, it was hot, fast and passionate. There is something about a casual fuck with an ex, a known intimacy and closeness that you dont get with a one night stand. He knew my body, my limits and likes. I know his and we were breathless by the end of it- Fuck I was on a lunch break! had to bolt back to work!

The next day, he SMS's to say ...Again?
SURE THING STUD, and this time we were more organised, more time (no limit) and limits were pushed, there is something amazing about being with a lover with experience - not of the world out there - but experience of you. I hope I gave him the same sense of passion and excitment and satisfacion.

But, I am jaded (well by comparison) and enjoy the pleasure of the re-visitng him so intimately- but I have noticed with my life experience, that sometimes you need a Goodbye Fuck after the breakup is over.. to finalise it. I know it stirred some emotions with him, hes 20 and not inexperienced, but certainly has those ideals a bit more fresh than me. I know hes still thinking about what it all means. I hope it makes him feel OK to move on- I am not the man for him, he will realise that soon. I think a goodbye fuck can be a great release...

FUCK IT WAS GOOD>>>>>