A new year with added newness

Peter, dont know what to write, but you have seriously rocked my world, turned my balance onto quiver and opened my heart to feelings that I have not had for 14 years.

Dont get me wrong I have been in love since Anthony. I have loved all my partners without exception, even if during the breakups I wondered how much. But this feeling of absolute fear that I have found the perfect mate and he may only be fleeting has me in turmoil.

I dont believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in recognising a soulmate at first sight. I didnt start falling in love with you for 24 hours. I am seriously, totally and honestly in a place that is pure and true. I know the feelings are irrational, and its not even 7 days yet but... I am all yours- entirely.

Oh dear, bad dream

Boo hoo,

I had a TERRIBLE dream last night, I was inside my house, but it wasn't Strathpine, it was just a house, but in the dream I know it was home you know.. And there was a knock on the door, and I went to open the door and two bad men came in and ran at me and killed me…I remember I wanted to fight them and conquer them and I tried to fight them off, but I was weak, I went down on the ground quickly and they hit my head and killed me,. I tried to scream, but didn’t have time.

It was a very short dream, like 5 seconds., and I woke up feeling really terrible. It was the second time I have dreamt of being killed by someone.. The last time was years ago- maybe 5 years ago, and that house was like a Heidi house in the mountains in New Zealand, and I was knifed in the laundry by one mad-man. That was also a very vivid and violent and brief dream.

I did not like it at all.
I am trying to think what it all means in my head. Perhaps although it was a distasteful dream, it may have been manifestation about other things, like running out of time to do things in general. About living alone maybe? Maybe even unhappiness in my job (which is a good job, but I am not challenged, its all very mundane- like living in a plain house doing nothing and waiting for death)

Or maybe its even inner feelings of weakness to do with being less confident on the inside than I appear on the outside. Like you know how happy I have been for ages, then it only took meeting Kym for me to totally lose the plot and be all poor me poor me… and to be honest he is a selfish man with no sincerity.. ….. still the feeling of being killed by a total stranger who was hurting me to death for no reason, well, it's just bizarre,…

the Goodbye fuck

do you look back on some relationships and see loose end's? wondering if the decision(?) to split was the right one...? I have found that even the most seriously motivated breaks (like for infidelity or even essential compatibility) leave me wondering if I was being selfish, or if I was being self damaging, unreasonable or just plain stupid.

I used to say, never go back, and I guess I still do - to a point. I mean- I now cherish the relationship I have with Anthony my first love.. and I spent years seething and maybe even passionatly disliking the man until I realised a bit more about who I am and why we were not destined to be long term lovers....

So, recently I was very down about perceptions of self worth and young Stevie spent a long time on the phone just cheering me up. You see we regularly catch up for coffee, and I try to keep a respectful distance from him so I dont confuse him. (he's young and has higher ideals than me - I am a bit more jaded / relaxed and I didnt want to be arsey and ask him for what might confuse him) You see I often thought about whether we could have a goodby fuck.

AND THEN?

So the day after our telephone conversation we met for coffee, it WAS normal except the phone call the day before had me thinking a lot about a shag for the pure fun of it, and I know I put the vibe out and.. well.. he jumped me within 30 minutes, it was hot, fast and passionate. There is something about a casual fuck with an ex, a known intimacy and closeness that you dont get with a one night stand. He knew my body, my limits and likes. I know his and we were breathless by the end of it- Fuck I was on a lunch break! had to bolt back to work!

The next day, he SMS's to say ...Again?
SURE THING STUD, and this time we were more organised, more time (no limit) and limits were pushed, there is something amazing about being with a lover with experience - not of the world out there - but experience of you. I hope I gave him the same sense of passion and excitment and satisfacion.

But, I am jaded (well by comparison) and enjoy the pleasure of the re-visitng him so intimately- but I have noticed with my life experience, that sometimes you need a Goodbye Fuck after the breakup is over.. to finalise it. I know it stirred some emotions with him, hes 20 and not inexperienced, but certainly has those ideals a bit more fresh than me. I know hes still thinking about what it all means. I hope it makes him feel OK to move on- I am not the man for him, he will realise that soon. I think a goodbye fuck can be a great release...

FUCK IT WAS GOOD>>>>>

So, anyway- what is, who is, how is a 'Sabbieh' ???

As an intermediate post, I thought I should quickly mention the origin of my mIRC nickname from 1995, which I have used to name my blog.

The first man I truly loved, (and it took a few years after the split for me to understand that I was in love with him truly, madly and deeply) is Maltese. My life took me on a journey where I moved to Malta supposedly for a short time, but I met Anthony and moved back to live for almost a year, jeez was it really that short a relationship? (well no actually, that relationaship is still strong, and now it is experienced over a great distance and has become a deep seated love of a person who I am not 'in' a relationship with. )

So, 'Sabbieh' (Sar BEE) is an endearment, literally the masculine form of 'beautiful' and my Ant used to call me that or dudu (doo-doo literally means bug).

When I reflect on naming my IRC nick or my blog this I am aware that some people may see it as a bit conceited, but its actually a link to my past and present, and defines who I feel inside, I will always feel like Ants Sabbieh!

My First Post

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, as a good friend Sam has coined, this is my first blog ever and I have great plans for it to replace my old homepage that I hard coded myself. Technology continually amazes me and blogspot is such a good idea to share some thoughts. I plan to have the 'Law-Graf' family site running very soon for the whole family to have some fun with.